Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
