im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
