i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
