I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
