Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize