yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
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