hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
