I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
