I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
