Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
nutella sex= disaster
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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