Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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