She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize