My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
