We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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