Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
