i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
