I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
