The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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