my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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