The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
