Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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