Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize