i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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