You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize