From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
