Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
