I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
