I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
