I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize