So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
