someone get that fucking seahorse.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize