Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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