it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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