wanna go halves on a baby?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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