a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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