I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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