Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
