i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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