I wish I could teleport
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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