the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
