Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
