I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
