Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
