apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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