dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
