dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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