made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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