I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
