Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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