I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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