She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
