When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize