I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
