Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
