i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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