took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
