that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
