Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
