You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
