So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
