Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
