you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
