Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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